It is no way to live, to wait to love

Where do I begin. Well I had a miscarriage before Mother's Day which sucked a lot but it was just God's way of telling me I'm just not quite ready for another little one. I'm better now but nervous to try again. idk ive been missing a lot of things lately and it sucks.

i miss living on Silver Lake
i miss going out in the boat and fishing
i miss taking trails in the woods to get to my best friends house
i miss pretending those woods were another world
i miss visiting new towns and people
i miss driving and not knowing where I was going
i miss first dates and new loves
i miss having crushes and butterflies
i miss late nights on the couch, cuddling and watching a movie
i miss love letters
i miss sleepovers
i miss when money wasnt important and i didnt have bills (not expensive ones anyway)
i miss late night phone calls
i miss getting to know someone
i miss best friends you can trust
i miss when girls didnt have ulterior motives and were genuine
i miss driving on back country roads instead of the highway
i miss my old Victorian house
i miss going to shows with my little brother
i miss working at the hospital and nursing homes
i miss my great grandmother Irene and her best friend Evelyn
i miss growing up and doing everything with Jessica, Jillian and Julia
i miss my senior year of high school
i miss my the first boy I ever fell in love with
i miss who I was before I met him
i miss climbing trees and laying in the grass

i miss when no one knew me


The way we walk denotes we are constantly in pain.
This is my heartbeat, dragging its sleeves, pulling its grief like a chariot.
Its brushes with depth make it trite, galvanized, wheels heaving forward,
why go on, why go on? Unreasonable hope, jerking us forward.

i'm ready to leave this town and start over again. ALL OVER.

She was not quite what you would call unrefined

So let's see, things are still consistently good. I need a haircut soooo bad I think I might go tonight or tomorrow night. It's really difficult trying to find time to go with Aiden cause Steve is usually working late or has practice and can't watch him and he's not one to sit still through anything. I'll manage I guess and if worse comes to worse I'll cut it myself. ha.
I am like beyond excited for this weekend. Steve has a show on Sat. in RI and he is taking Paige's guy with him so Paige and I have the whole day to spend together and we are going to take the boys to the Central Park Zoo and to walk around NY. I'm excited for the following reasons- I have never been to a zoo, It's going to be the most gorgeous day to be out and about and I get to spend it with Aiden, my best and her baby bear too. Can't describe a better day.
I'm about 10 weeks pregnant this week. I've got suchhhh a long way to go. I'm in the transitioning phase where I go from looking fat to looking pregnant but its whatever I've got a bunch of cute clothes to hide it for now. I dont really think about it too much cause I know the more I think about it the more anxious I will be.
Steve and I went to Paige's for dinner last night and her and I were looking at wedding stuff and it was fun having someone other than Steve to talk to about my ideas and to hear her ideas. I value her opinion very much.
It's crazy how shes only been back for a few months and shes such an amazing friend. I've always thought nothing but good things about her but lately she just solidifies everything I thought in the first place.Its nice having someone like her around and I appreciate her a lot. I think everyone needs a friend like her. =)
My job is financial crap and they started laying some people off starting with the receptionist who took over that position when I got promoted. So now that she is gone I have to fill her spot and keep up with my administrative duties and I think I have worked the hardest this week than I have the 2 years that Ive been here. Its not bad cause it makes my days go faster but its stressful cause I have double the work load and I have to hope I can keep up with it or my job is next. blah.

Over the past weekend I went out and saw some friends that I am a little skeptical about. Its the kind of situation where you want to be friends with the person and you like being around the person but when you're not with them or around them you feel like they are up to no good or just totally fake to your face. It's really frustrating too and if I could write the details I totally would but I'll save it for another day. until then....

We never meant to do that, we never meant to do this, and we always meant what we said.

Tomorrow is the big day...I have my first doctors visit! I'm about 9 weeks now and my belly is super itchy and gets a tiny bit bigger everyday. I need to start taking pictures. People at work say that I've been glowing which is probably true since I forgot how much I liked being pregnant sometimes. =) Our Easter wasn't over the top eventful. Aiden got dressed up in his little 3 piece suit and we went to my parents house first and then left to get dessert at Steve's grandmother's. It was a nice day.
There honestly hasnt been too much going on. Paige is in MA now, shes been there for what feels like forever and I can't wait for her to get home. I really miss her. This weekend I get to see Jamie finally and we're going to take the babes out in the wonderful weather we are supposed to be having. I'm excited to see her. I'm supposed to be going to see Bayside and NFG sat. night but I'm not sure about what to do with Aiden yet so we will see. I wish I had more to blog about =( I'll probably have more to write after tomorrows appointment. I also get the whole day off tomorrow cause its passover and my company celebrates Jewish holidays along with the US Holiday's. Crazy.

more tomorrow.

every day im getting closer to everything ive been waiting for

On my drive to work this morning I started thinking about a lot of things...a lot! I know over the past year I have questioned so many decisions I have made and so many things that had been happening with me and I was so unsure about so many things in my life. I was depressed for so many months! Now I dont know if its just the hormones from me being pregnant thats making me feel this way but this morning I realized my life is more than amazing.
Of course Steve and I have had ups and downs...what relationship doesn't. No relationship is perfect no matter what people want to believe. He loves me and supports me and stands by me no matter what we go through and what more could I ask for from another human being. Not only is he going to be an amazing husband but he is such a wonderful daddy. It's crazy how much a person can change in such a short time but Steve has changed (for the better) more than I had ever imagined. I love knowing that he is mine and that we are our own family and we are in love. We have everything anyone could need.
With our second babe on it's way we've had doubts about things but then realized we're going to be more than fine.
I am really a lucky girl. I've got my soul mate, I have my son who is my whole heart and means the absolute world to me, I've got great friends who I trust and confide in and are there for me always, I have a super supportive family who are so good to me, I have a job making more money than most people my age even the ones who spent all that time in college, I have a house, a car and other materialistic things. I'm young and have so much to look forward too. I'm not going to have anymore doubts or worry about things that I have no control over and focus on everything important to me and making my family better and stronger than we already are. I guess I had a revelation this morning that just made me in the absolute best mood ever and made me realize that I love being me. There are so many people who don't have close to what I have. My ex- boyfriend calls me every now and then so depressed cause he can not get his life together and I never know what to tell him.He's only dated one other girl after me but his life is just all sorts of chaotic and he's the same age as me and still lives at home with his parents. I have people I know complaining they can't find a significant other or someone to be with.I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm grateful for everything I have and the decisions I have made up until now. If i didn't take chances and choices I'd probably still be with my ex putting up with his crap and lies and whatever else...and I'd probably still have those same horrible friends that I let walk all over me. So glad thats all done now.

I have a 4 day weekend after today and I'm excited to spend so much time with Aiden. When I ask him where the baby is he lifts up my shirt and tickles my belly and pokes my belly button haha. He is so silly! I'm so excited for so many things, i just wish the weather would get nicer so we are able to enjoy them <3

I would sacrifice the world I carry upon my shoulders, only to be part of yours

I guess it is about time I share the news with anyone who hasn't heard it yet. In my last post I mentioned I was going to be going to the doctor and I had a feeling I might be pregnant, well I was correct. I went over last Monday for what was supposed to be a regular check up. They took me to the back room and did my weight and asked me when my last period was and I told them I was about 10 days late. They did a pregnancy test right there and in less than a minute....
2 lines(=positive) . I went home that night really upset because this wasn't what Steve and I had planned at all and I knew he wasn't going to want it.We were working on having our engagement party and doing wedding planning stuff and AFTER we were married we were going to have another little one. I got in the door and sat down and talked to Steve and he was all ready to talk abortion and whatever else and it got me thinking about the whole Aiden situation. When I told him I was pregnant with Aiden I understood his reasoning for wanting to have an abortion because we only together a short time and it was a bad situation... but now, we're engaged, we live together and we want to spend the rest of our lives together so what would be so bad about having the baby now. We have a house, we both have great paying jobs, we're not poor (knock on wood) and things have been going really well. Ultimately after a few days of arguing back and forth and both of us making our valid points we decided we were going to have it. The due date is November 20th and it will be a C-section so it will probably be here sooner.That's a whole year before we get married and still gives us plenty of time for everything. I think everything is going to work out fine and I'm really excited.
I've been feeling really sick the past few weeks and with Aiden I had NO sickness at all. I'm hoping this one is a little girl but I will be happy either way. Steve said he wants to name the baby whether its a boy or a girl since I got to name Aiden.
I also found out that my cousin is pregnant too and we are only a few weeks apart. How exciting is that?!!
So now that everything is good on the home front it makes things a lot easier and stress free. I need to go food shopping tonight but I am always sooooo exhausted when I get home from work so we'll see how that goes. I think I've written enough for today so I'll continue in my next post.

p.s. all my friends who have been super supportive and helpful, I can't thank you enough =)
Jamie, Caitlin, Paige <3

I gave you everything else but I'm keeping this.

This past weekend was sooooo much fun! On Saturday Steve and I actually got to see a movie (we haven't been to the movies on like 8 months!) and we saw I love you,man and it was actually a really cute,funny movie. My mom watched Aiden for us so after the movie we went back to my parents house and had dinner with then and then did some Karaoke which was quite a treat haha.
Then on Sunday we had plans to go to Steve's parents house for dinner because it was his brothers birthday,so we headed there around 2. Dinner wasn't until 5 so we took Aiden to the park by Steve's house and omg he had sooooo much fun. He was running around and going down every slide he could and he was just being a huge daredevil, it was adorable. After all that, it started to get really cold out so we headed back and just had a nice night with Steve's family and then headed home.

Steve and I are getting stuff organized and ready for the engagement party and he finally picked his best man and groomsmen. He has seven all together so I have to pick 2 more bridesmaids. So the line-up is. Steve's men- His best man is Steve, Groomsmen are Richie, Travis, Dan, Derek, Mike and Itchy. My Maid of Honor is Nicole and my bridesmaids are Paige, Lauren, Lila, Jamie, Jenna, Kim. I'm so excited we've gotten that all settled.
I have a doctors appointment tonight which I actually can't wait for cause theres a small chance I could be pregnant again. I'm a little nervous now but I guess we will see tonight. Until next time.

but you and I are savages

So in my down time I have been doing some wedding planning. I know most people think it's silly cause we have over a year until we get married but planning is sooooo time consuming and I'm pretty much doing it all on my own. I want to make sure I don't miss anything or forget to do something so yes, I am planning early. Obviously everyone knows we have booked a place already since our date is a pretty popular one. We are having our engagement party on May 9th at our new house and its just going to be like a big BBQ with our families and close friends. Things are coming together rather smoothly so far. I have firmly decided on who I want to be my bridesmaids and I couldn't be happier with my decision. I've been worried cause I didn't want certain friends to get offended if I didn't pick them over someone else but if that's the case then they aren't my real friends. I don't really know the limit of how many bridesmaids/groomsmen you can have but I've picked five including my Maid of Honor.
Nicole is going to be my maid of honor. Her and I have become really good friends since Steve and I have been together. She was there the night that Steve proposed to me and she is just great. I hate that she lives in Brooklyn but I definitely don't mind visiting her to do wedding plans. Oh and Steve was her Maid of Honor at her wedding haha.
My Bridesmaids are Paige- she has always been there for me as long as I've known her, from getting me a job with her at Delilah's(haha) to helping me out with Aiden and just being a great friend, she's definitely a great choice. My brother's fiance Kim is another bridesmaid and I picked her for obvious reasons. We're going to be family one day and she's already like a sister to me. Then there is my cousin Lauren, again for obvious reasons, she's family and I love her and lastly Lila!... she's been my cousin Dan's girlfriend for FOREVER and she's just like family too. All in all I think I made the best choices.
Steve is having a hard time choosing his groomsmen which is fine, he has a lot of BEST friends so its going to be a tough decision for him and there really isnt a hurry. I just get super excited about stuff like this and I always plan wayyyy far in advance. I've even worked on the guest list and it's pretty much set, give or take a few people. ahhhh I'm crazy, I know.

Well Paige has been watching Aiden this week since my mom and grandmother are away and Aiden has been being really good for her(unless she's just telling me that to be nice haha) but it makes me really happy that he's good with her and he's even been sharing with Cash. It had me worried that I was going to have a spoiled brat boy. The only thing he DOES NOT LIKE is when I hold another baby. He'll get over it though.
Other than all of this nothing else has been going on. Obviously there's only a few more days until Spring is officially here and I can not wait. Warm weather means better moods and better days.Our friends Mike and Jamie are going to be in Jersey for like a week at the end of the month and we're going to visit with them and their daughter Paisley for a few days. That should be lots of fun too.I'm glad Aiden has more little friends to play with but him and Cash are like besties.They learn soooo much from each other. Well I've got an hour left of work and then home to see my little lovebug.He is so crazy and I love him so so so so so so much.

kisses are a far better fate

....You can't know how amazing being loved feels unless hate has shredded you to pieces, and made you absolutely nothing, like steam or laughter from another room. Love is just a high. I think it only truly lasts for the luckiest of people.

So I've got some free time so I thought I would write about what's been up lately. My friend Paige has moved back to NJ from MA and she came over last week with her son Cash =). The 2 little ones played very well and the mommies were able to sit and catch up a bit, it was nice. Cash had his first birthday/party on Sunday which was so cute and so much fun! It makes both Paige and I super happy that our boys play so well together and are so damn cute when they're together haha!
The majority of my family is going to FL for Vaca this week and since my mom and grandmother will both be away Paige is going to watch Aiden! So for entire week I get to come home to lovelies... doesnt get much better than that.

Steve and I started planning and arranging our engagement party and we're probably going to shoot for May 2nd. This way the weather will be nice and we can have like a bbq and an outside party. It should be nice, im excited.

We had amazing weather this past weekend and I spent the entire day Sat. outside with Aiden. We took a walk and then played out in our back yard. It was amazing. I can't wait for more nice weather. I'm on the look out for a treadmill. I want to start exercising on a regular basis and actually stick to it. I started an exercise journal too, i got the idea from the wedding website i use, it helps a lot. Things are good. =)

Paige,Craig and Cash are coming over for dinner tomorrow too which should be good times.

the only light for miles

I don't recall where I left off but as of lately things are good. Steve is back from England and even though it was a short trip I missed him so much.He had a really good experience and I'm really happy that he had the opportunity to go.
I had a snow day yesterday and it was very uneventful. I really hate snow and cold weather. The only time I tolerate snow is around Christmas time...snowing in March just makes me miserable. Steve and I watched an America's Next Top Model marathon yesterday and in one of the episodes they were in China and it was really pretty there. Then Steve and I got to talking and we decided that for our Honeymoon we are going to go to Florence/Venice, Italy. I did a little research and for our wedding instead of a gift registry there are actual honeymoon registries where people can give money towards our honeymoon. I mean we're already living together and we have a house and all the household items we could need. What we really want is a honeymoon in Italy, not some fancy china that we're never going to use. So now that we started the wedding talk again it's been getting me in the planning mood and I really want to check out some bridal expo's and such. I need to have more visits to Brooklyn to see Nicole so we can plan and she can help me with things. I'm really so happy that she's going to be my maid of honor. =) Other than all that, this past weekend without Steve being around was also pretty uneventful. Aiden and I kind of just hung out and did stuff together. We lounged and were lazy most of the time. I'm so excited for Easter and taking Aiden on Easter Egg hunts =). He gets cuter and more curious everyday and he makes me smile every single second. He seriously is the love of my life.
Paige is back home in NJ after being away for quite some time. She is having a birthday party for her babyboy Cash and I can't wait to get our two boys together. It's going to be fun, plus I've missed her. Until next time. <3

Little darling, I feel like the ice is slowly melting

So my 25th birthday came and went but all in all was a very good day. I worked a half day and then when i got home Aiden and I walked over to the DMV so I could renew my license. Later that night we went out and got dinner at Bensi and Dawn, Julie and Jordan came out and celebrated with us. I had 2 drinks and got drunk (typical) and the food there was so amazing.I got a lot of gifts from Steve, his parents, my friends and family,probably more than ive gotten for past birthdays.=) It was really nice.
Steve is leaving today to go to England til Sunday.It's going to pretty lonely around the house without him. I've been trying to get someone to cover my shifts for me at Ruby's because I dont have a babysitter for Aiden this weekend which kind of sucks but i'll figure something out.
Things have been going really great. The weather seems to be gradually getting better which makes me really happy just thinking about it getting warm out. I can't wait for trips to the Zoo and to museums and to the beach, going to amusement parks and aquariums and all that fun stuff. Having a child lets you be a kid again most of the time too and I love that.
I'm going out for sushi tonight with an old friend and I'm excited/happy. It's been a while since I've had time to go out and enjoy the company of someone other than Steve. Not that I don't enjoy his company...its just nice having a change. I don't really know what I'm going to do this weekend. I didnt get to get tattooed last weekend because Steve couldnt get a hold of his friend and we just went shopping the whole day instead so I'm thinking I might go and get tattooed this weekend if my bank account will allow it. We'll see though, if not I'll do other productive stuff... like exercise. I feel like I have so much on my mind but nothing to really write about. Maybe I'll be back later to get more stuff off my mind.

Failure is my passion

I'm in a better mood today. I just had to think my thoughts out a lot better and then I started writing and I couldnt stop. I've been listening to Lydia a lot lately and all of their songs are amazing and take me into a whole different world. They make me feel amazing and help me write too. I really want to get all my writings in order and keep them neat and organized.I think this summer I will do a better job of that. I can't believe my birthday is less than a week away and I'm going to be 25 already. Jeez. I get really nostalgic around my birthday and I think back to so many things. Mostly things that involve Jay. Weird I know. I think back to how innocent,silly and naive I was with him. I think back to all the mistakes I made after him and all the non-mistakes I made as well... all the decisions i ultimately made that brought me to wear I am today. I guess the older I get the more I'm going to question my decisions. I know Steve gets pissy when i do this but I love reading my old journals, journals that I've been keeping since I was like 17. It's almost like therapy for me. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow and I'm not feeling that nervous at all. I know a lot of my friends want me to just tell them what's bothering me and the vent to them but its not that easy. I want someone who can just listen and not judge me and not say that It's just normal stress cause it's not. Its 10 years of problems that have just built up and escalated and just keep making things worse for me it seems. I think i've talked enough and gotten enough out for today. I'll let you know how my session goes on Friday.

-I romanticize his trembling hands, his heart feels like a bad drummer's obsession and my cold chin rests like a paper weight on his shoulder. The act of civilizing someone comes so suddenly, as a violent current and a volt of disbelief. I earnestly follow his words with safe ones of reassurance, telling him I am okay, and plenty of people are sicker than I. He refuses to accept this, and draws me close, every inch of us touching, and I cannot tell who is who. I want to scream, choke his fear, shake him up and describe what I feel: a dead feeling, and a slow change in my perspective. If only I could hold him how he holds me, sound as convincing as he does, wrap it all up and make it mean something. I can only tell him he is funny, and to stop wasting his seriousness on me.

-You can't know how amazing being loved feels unless hate has shredded you to pieces, and made you absolutely nothing, like steam or laughter from another room. Love is just a high. I think it only truly lasts for the luckiest of people. It's unfortunate that people are taught to hate by a stupid televised war and the infinite current of glossy perfection bred by the media. It's also unfortunate that our generation just 'thrives' in our electric, metal, high speed box covered by the bruised lesson that our parents sewed into us when they didn't want to be free and real anymore
I can't do this. I don't know what the "this" I'm referring to is, I just know that I am not able.

But I've done all of that already, and it's boring.

The roller coaster is starting now...I'm in a pissy mood today. I really want a new job doing something i actually enjoy doing, not just doing it cause it pays well.This job seriously makes me so frustrated and stressed out. I wish Steve would get a better paying job so I didnt have to work so much and I could work a little more than part time and be able to be home more with Aiden.
I'm going to meet with my new therapist on Thursday and I am so ready to just let everything I have been building up.... out. I need to vent and explain everything that is wrong and bothering me and she will understand and have advice for me on what I should/could do and how I can make things better. She's pretty much my last resort. I have nothing after this and I dont know how much longer I can last with out a resolution. I'm like super stressed out all the time and its the worst feeling ever.
I went shopping last night and bought some new clothes which made me happy.I want to have my friends over one night this week but I have no time to even do that because im always working or having to get things done that I cant get done all week. I guess I should stop complaining cause its not really doing anything. I'm going to go right and look for more work to do so I can stop being so bored. Maybe I'll be back to write when i can make more sense of things.

In my shuttered room you eclipsed my soul

The new house is the absolute best!,this weekend was great and i am just in the best mood today. My Valentine's day was really good, probably one of the best I've had in a long time. Steve got me an adorable cupcake necklace, roses, and chocolate covered strawberries, andddd he took me out to breakfast too. I had to work later that night and I gave my twin loves their Valentine's day presents too =). It was a good night. The house is finally all together and unpacked and it feels so good to be settled.
I can not believe my birthday is about a week away! I'm excited. I'm pretty bummed that Steve has to leave like 2 days after my birthday but I know Dawn and Julie will come keep me company and i'll probably be working most of the time he is gone anyway. Things will be fine.
Ellen is coming home the last weekend in February too!!!!!!!!! I miss her so much and I hate that she's gone but she's coming to visit and I can't wait.

I've been discovering a lot of new (GOOD) music lately. I want to make a mix playlist and start running/jogging now that the weather is getting nicer. Julie said she'd come with me so it will be nice to have an exercise buddy!
I guess that's all my exciting news for now, I'll post more birthday ideas as I find them. <3

"I am enamored with the thought of decorating the future with the past and the past with everything I have yet to imagine. I put my ear to your ear while you slept next to me and I could hear small parts of your dreams. "

Honesty isn't easy, even if it is only to yourself at times.

It's finally Friday!! I'm working pretty much all weekend but its not bad cause since it's Valentine's day tomorrow I'll probably make really good money. Steve and I dont really have anything planned we're just going to finish moving the final things into the house and then tomorrow night we can finally sleep there!! We'll probably get breakfast tomorrow morning and then exchange gifts =) I haven't had time to get a haircut but I really need one and I thought about getting some extensions. I feel like my hair just stopped growing and I'm really in the mood to have longer hair. I found some really awesome ones at Sally's that I might try out but we'll see! Steve and I really need to get tattooed soon. We were gonna go this weekend but we're busy with things...so maybe for my birthday or just soon!
I'm going to run around today and get last minute gifts. I'm going to get my twin loves little presents for Valentine's Day and I want to get candles and such for the house to make it look cute. I can't wait to have people over to see how the new place looks, oh and we got a sofa bed so sleep overs are a must <3

I wrote this last Valentine's day but i really like it so I'm posting it this year too!
"I can imagine you telling me I look cute in big sunglasses even though I really dont, you would probably say looking like that is okay. Im not really idealistic, I crave fairness, smallness, a thin reality where you and I are very very small people in my room generating blood and warmth and love, I guess, or at least a lot of adoration. I dont want this big fucking thing. I dont even want a valentine, but I'd love it if you would embrace me on the 14th and tell me that you love me and you havent contemplated anyone's anatomy like you do mine"


So I've found a few more things that I would like for my birthday and I though I'd post them in case anyone cared =) . They are all at forever 21!

My heart is wrapped in autumn fallings, lavender and murmuration

Work again as usual. I love that the weather is getting nicer and how it puts me in the best of moods. Steve is home today moving our furniture and a bunch of boxes into the house.I will pack up last minute things tonite when I get home. We bought rugs for each of the bedrooms and i cant wait to see what they look like in the rooms. Moving is so much fun for me! It's almost all done and we are sooooo close to living in our new residence.yay!
I've been trying to make a birthday list. I do one every year so then when people ask me what I want I can just give them the list. I really dont want anything this year.I've found a few cute things that I wouldnt mind having but really just moving into our new house is all i wanted. I want to just have a small party with my close friends there. I know we are going out to dinner the night of my birthday but I'm thinking the weekend before we might have a little party at the new house. =)

here are a few things id like for my birthday.




I'll post more things as I find them.


I've found a thrill to rest my cheek upon, a flock of starlings. However I am still a shallow witted addict with spin drift thoughts and eyes effete. I have morning fevers and evening chills. I listen to death and its furies, I button my sweaters, and I keep my boy with Opaline eyes and beautiful knees never more than a whisper away.

Make me feel like the color yellow.

I woke up frustrated this morning. Aiden was the only thing that put a smile on my face. I thought moving into this new house was going to be fun and exciting and it hasn't been so far. Steve is wanting to be in control of so much of it and I want to be a part of the process too. It just sucks right now cause it doesnt feel like something we're doing together. I had to work last nite so his parents came and helped him paint the place and now today he's doing stuff there again and I will go home tonight and just pack. It's whatever, im probably making a bigger deal about it then I should, it's just not how I had wanted things to go. Ive been thinking about my "five year plan" a lot lately. Like what I want to be doing in the next 5 years. I honestly have no idea where my life is going and it scares me more and more everyday. I know I should be more spontaneous and let things happen... but I've got way to much at stake to do that. IDK. I'm looking forward to my birthday and spending time with my lovelies, that's about it. I have to renew my license and I keep forgetting to do it. I'm actively looking for a new full time job I just wish the economy would get better so I can do so. I guess that's all my ranting and raving for today.


It used to be so easy to love you when love for me meant a nice gesture, pulling petals from flowers and being the first one you called.
Love was keeping my laughter long in September, dragging me through leaves in the fall, rubbing my white hands between yours in the winter. Giving me salvation in the simplicity of a quiet room and holding me in empty kitchens and your head barely hovered over mine. For you it must have been something, an experience for your mind that always yearned for something more but...
I've always been so full of love.

I know you don't know what I'm capable of

...but if you give me one more minute im sure, you'll be shaking right down to your soul."<3

With every new start I seem to start a new blog site. It's just what I do, get used to it. Things are going well and get more and more exciting every day. We get the keys today to our new house and It hasn't settled in yet but I am so happy =). I'm working tonite but I'm off the rest of the week so i can come home at nite and get things all situated. Work this weekend wasnt bad at all. I enjoyed it actually even though we got a new GM and he's really strict it doesnt really bother me. I can't wait to be all moved in and have my lovelies over and to have a housewarming party, its going to be so much fun. I really can not wait for warmer weather either, this snow and cold weather is the worst. I'm going to be busy the next few days but I will still make time to write.

p.s. i promise my posts will get more interesting.

He placed my instinct in my palm and winded it,
watched it play. Ran his hand over the dirty globe
of my heart, left ridges there
I remember when the human body wasn't as obvious and
I struggled to capture its function
And in his arms, in the sensible way I ended up there, I was never more
sure. He told me not to leave, fingers like a bracelet around my wrist and
knocking the bone.