Little darling, I feel like the ice is slowly melting

So my 25th birthday came and went but all in all was a very good day. I worked a half day and then when i got home Aiden and I walked over to the DMV so I could renew my license. Later that night we went out and got dinner at Bensi and Dawn, Julie and Jordan came out and celebrated with us. I had 2 drinks and got drunk (typical) and the food there was so amazing.I got a lot of gifts from Steve, his parents, my friends and family,probably more than ive gotten for past birthdays.=) It was really nice.
Steve is leaving today to go to England til Sunday.It's going to pretty lonely around the house without him. I've been trying to get someone to cover my shifts for me at Ruby's because I dont have a babysitter for Aiden this weekend which kind of sucks but i'll figure something out.
Things have been going really great. The weather seems to be gradually getting better which makes me really happy just thinking about it getting warm out. I can't wait for trips to the Zoo and to museums and to the beach, going to amusement parks and aquariums and all that fun stuff. Having a child lets you be a kid again most of the time too and I love that.
I'm going out for sushi tonight with an old friend and I'm excited/happy. It's been a while since I've had time to go out and enjoy the company of someone other than Steve. Not that I don't enjoy his company...its just nice having a change. I don't really know what I'm going to do this weekend. I didnt get to get tattooed last weekend because Steve couldnt get a hold of his friend and we just went shopping the whole day instead so I'm thinking I might go and get tattooed this weekend if my bank account will allow it. We'll see though, if not I'll do other productive stuff... like exercise. I feel like I have so much on my mind but nothing to really write about. Maybe I'll be back later to get more stuff off my mind.

Failure is my passion

I'm in a better mood today. I just had to think my thoughts out a lot better and then I started writing and I couldnt stop. I've been listening to Lydia a lot lately and all of their songs are amazing and take me into a whole different world. They make me feel amazing and help me write too. I really want to get all my writings in order and keep them neat and organized.I think this summer I will do a better job of that. I can't believe my birthday is less than a week away and I'm going to be 25 already. Jeez. I get really nostalgic around my birthday and I think back to so many things. Mostly things that involve Jay. Weird I know. I think back to how innocent,silly and naive I was with him. I think back to all the mistakes I made after him and all the non-mistakes I made as well... all the decisions i ultimately made that brought me to wear I am today. I guess the older I get the more I'm going to question my decisions. I know Steve gets pissy when i do this but I love reading my old journals, journals that I've been keeping since I was like 17. It's almost like therapy for me. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow and I'm not feeling that nervous at all. I know a lot of my friends want me to just tell them what's bothering me and the vent to them but its not that easy. I want someone who can just listen and not judge me and not say that It's just normal stress cause it's not. Its 10 years of problems that have just built up and escalated and just keep making things worse for me it seems. I think i've talked enough and gotten enough out for today. I'll let you know how my session goes on Friday.

-I romanticize his trembling hands, his heart feels like a bad drummer's obsession and my cold chin rests like a paper weight on his shoulder. The act of civilizing someone comes so suddenly, as a violent current and a volt of disbelief. I earnestly follow his words with safe ones of reassurance, telling him I am okay, and plenty of people are sicker than I. He refuses to accept this, and draws me close, every inch of us touching, and I cannot tell who is who. I want to scream, choke his fear, shake him up and describe what I feel: a dead feeling, and a slow change in my perspective. If only I could hold him how he holds me, sound as convincing as he does, wrap it all up and make it mean something. I can only tell him he is funny, and to stop wasting his seriousness on me.

-You can't know how amazing being loved feels unless hate has shredded you to pieces, and made you absolutely nothing, like steam or laughter from another room. Love is just a high. I think it only truly lasts for the luckiest of people. It's unfortunate that people are taught to hate by a stupid televised war and the infinite current of glossy perfection bred by the media. It's also unfortunate that our generation just 'thrives' in our electric, metal, high speed box covered by the bruised lesson that our parents sewed into us when they didn't want to be free and real anymore
I can't do this. I don't know what the "this" I'm referring to is, I just know that I am not able.

But I've done all of that already, and it's boring.

The roller coaster is starting now...I'm in a pissy mood today. I really want a new job doing something i actually enjoy doing, not just doing it cause it pays well.This job seriously makes me so frustrated and stressed out. I wish Steve would get a better paying job so I didnt have to work so much and I could work a little more than part time and be able to be home more with Aiden.
I'm going to meet with my new therapist on Thursday and I am so ready to just let everything I have been building up.... out. I need to vent and explain everything that is wrong and bothering me and she will understand and have advice for me on what I should/could do and how I can make things better. She's pretty much my last resort. I have nothing after this and I dont know how much longer I can last with out a resolution. I'm like super stressed out all the time and its the worst feeling ever.
I went shopping last night and bought some new clothes which made me happy.I want to have my friends over one night this week but I have no time to even do that because im always working or having to get things done that I cant get done all week. I guess I should stop complaining cause its not really doing anything. I'm going to go right and look for more work to do so I can stop being so bored. Maybe I'll be back to write when i can make more sense of things.

In my shuttered room you eclipsed my soul

The new house is the absolute best!,this weekend was great and i am just in the best mood today. My Valentine's day was really good, probably one of the best I've had in a long time. Steve got me an adorable cupcake necklace, roses, and chocolate covered strawberries, andddd he took me out to breakfast too. I had to work later that night and I gave my twin loves their Valentine's day presents too =). It was a good night. The house is finally all together and unpacked and it feels so good to be settled.
I can not believe my birthday is about a week away! I'm excited. I'm pretty bummed that Steve has to leave like 2 days after my birthday but I know Dawn and Julie will come keep me company and i'll probably be working most of the time he is gone anyway. Things will be fine.
Ellen is coming home the last weekend in February too!!!!!!!!! I miss her so much and I hate that she's gone but she's coming to visit and I can't wait.

I've been discovering a lot of new (GOOD) music lately. I want to make a mix playlist and start running/jogging now that the weather is getting nicer. Julie said she'd come with me so it will be nice to have an exercise buddy!
I guess that's all my exciting news for now, I'll post more birthday ideas as I find them. <3

"I am enamored with the thought of decorating the future with the past and the past with everything I have yet to imagine. I put my ear to your ear while you slept next to me and I could hear small parts of your dreams. "

Honesty isn't easy, even if it is only to yourself at times.

It's finally Friday!! I'm working pretty much all weekend but its not bad cause since it's Valentine's day tomorrow I'll probably make really good money. Steve and I dont really have anything planned we're just going to finish moving the final things into the house and then tomorrow night we can finally sleep there!! We'll probably get breakfast tomorrow morning and then exchange gifts =) I haven't had time to get a haircut but I really need one and I thought about getting some extensions. I feel like my hair just stopped growing and I'm really in the mood to have longer hair. I found some really awesome ones at Sally's that I might try out but we'll see! Steve and I really need to get tattooed soon. We were gonna go this weekend but we're busy with things...so maybe for my birthday or just soon!
I'm going to run around today and get last minute gifts. I'm going to get my twin loves little presents for Valentine's Day and I want to get candles and such for the house to make it look cute. I can't wait to have people over to see how the new place looks, oh and we got a sofa bed so sleep overs are a must <3

I wrote this last Valentine's day but i really like it so I'm posting it this year too!
"I can imagine you telling me I look cute in big sunglasses even though I really dont, you would probably say looking like that is okay. Im not really idealistic, I crave fairness, smallness, a thin reality where you and I are very very small people in my room generating blood and warmth and love, I guess, or at least a lot of adoration. I dont want this big fucking thing. I dont even want a valentine, but I'd love it if you would embrace me on the 14th and tell me that you love me and you havent contemplated anyone's anatomy like you do mine"


So I've found a few more things that I would like for my birthday and I though I'd post them in case anyone cared =) . They are all at forever 21!

My heart is wrapped in autumn fallings, lavender and murmuration

Work again as usual. I love that the weather is getting nicer and how it puts me in the best of moods. Steve is home today moving our furniture and a bunch of boxes into the house.I will pack up last minute things tonite when I get home. We bought rugs for each of the bedrooms and i cant wait to see what they look like in the rooms. Moving is so much fun for me! It's almost all done and we are sooooo close to living in our new residence.yay!
I've been trying to make a birthday list. I do one every year so then when people ask me what I want I can just give them the list. I really dont want anything this year.I've found a few cute things that I wouldnt mind having but really just moving into our new house is all i wanted. I want to just have a small party with my close friends there. I know we are going out to dinner the night of my birthday but I'm thinking the weekend before we might have a little party at the new house. =)

here are a few things id like for my birthday.




I'll post more things as I find them.


I've found a thrill to rest my cheek upon, a flock of starlings. However I am still a shallow witted addict with spin drift thoughts and eyes effete. I have morning fevers and evening chills. I listen to death and its furies, I button my sweaters, and I keep my boy with Opaline eyes and beautiful knees never more than a whisper away.

Make me feel like the color yellow.

I woke up frustrated this morning. Aiden was the only thing that put a smile on my face. I thought moving into this new house was going to be fun and exciting and it hasn't been so far. Steve is wanting to be in control of so much of it and I want to be a part of the process too. It just sucks right now cause it doesnt feel like something we're doing together. I had to work last nite so his parents came and helped him paint the place and now today he's doing stuff there again and I will go home tonight and just pack. It's whatever, im probably making a bigger deal about it then I should, it's just not how I had wanted things to go. Ive been thinking about my "five year plan" a lot lately. Like what I want to be doing in the next 5 years. I honestly have no idea where my life is going and it scares me more and more everyday. I know I should be more spontaneous and let things happen... but I've got way to much at stake to do that. IDK. I'm looking forward to my birthday and spending time with my lovelies, that's about it. I have to renew my license and I keep forgetting to do it. I'm actively looking for a new full time job I just wish the economy would get better so I can do so. I guess that's all my ranting and raving for today.


It used to be so easy to love you when love for me meant a nice gesture, pulling petals from flowers and being the first one you called.
Love was keeping my laughter long in September, dragging me through leaves in the fall, rubbing my white hands between yours in the winter. Giving me salvation in the simplicity of a quiet room and holding me in empty kitchens and your head barely hovered over mine. For you it must have been something, an experience for your mind that always yearned for something more but...
I've always been so full of love.

I know you don't know what I'm capable of

...but if you give me one more minute im sure, you'll be shaking right down to your soul."<3

With every new start I seem to start a new blog site. It's just what I do, get used to it. Things are going well and get more and more exciting every day. We get the keys today to our new house and It hasn't settled in yet but I am so happy =). I'm working tonite but I'm off the rest of the week so i can come home at nite and get things all situated. Work this weekend wasnt bad at all. I enjoyed it actually even though we got a new GM and he's really strict it doesnt really bother me. I can't wait to be all moved in and have my lovelies over and to have a housewarming party, its going to be so much fun. I really can not wait for warmer weather either, this snow and cold weather is the worst. I'm going to be busy the next few days but I will still make time to write.

p.s. i promise my posts will get more interesting.

He placed my instinct in my palm and winded it,
watched it play. Ran his hand over the dirty globe
of my heart, left ridges there
I remember when the human body wasn't as obvious and
I struggled to capture its function
And in his arms, in the sensible way I ended up there, I was never more
sure. He told me not to leave, fingers like a bracelet around my wrist and
knocking the bone.