If there is something to desire there will be something to regret

Sunday's are a day of relaxation but in my case it is just another hectic day with my boys. I must say they definitely keep me going ALL the time. Being a mommy of two is A LOT of work but a job I wouldn't trade for anything. Steve has been gone since Friday doing some sort of driving job. I personally think that these trips he takes are a little ridiculous and it just gives him a reason to stay in the music "scene". He gets to go hang out, see his friends, make new friends, be social, etc. I guess I can't complain about it though since he is getting paid for it. Maybe I'm a little resentful because I don't have a social life and I don't go anywhere without my kids. I don't have the luxury to just pack up and go away for weekends at a time.The person it hurts the worst is Aiden and that makes me upset. The sad part is... WE (as a family) don't ever take a weekend to go out and do something. I think that's the part that gets me the worst. OH WELL.
I can't believe it's been almost 4 weeks since Brody was born. He's such a good baby and I've got him figured out! He's an every 4 hour eater and he sleeps so good. I can get a pretty decent 8 hour nights sleep. I really can't complain. During the day it gets a little crazy with trying to accommodate both boys and what they want but it's getting easier.
It's already August tomorrow which means I have a month until school starts up again. I'm really exciting about getting these classes out of the way. On the other hand I am not looking forward to how I am going to find people to help me with the boys so I can actually go to class and get work done. I honestly feel like I'm doing this all alone. I always manage to figure things out and this is just another obstacle I'll have to get over.
I'm going to go enjoy my time with my boys.
<3

Learn to let go

It certainly is not easy finding some down time to write in here as often as i'd like to but I'm glad I'm able to make an appearance every now and then. I've been feeling super irritated lately. I want to move rather badly and it seems like Steve and I can not agree on anything ever. I feel like he goes against me on purpose. Nothing is ever easy with him and some people find that interesting about a mate... I find it annoying. There are too many things to list which is equally annoying since you'd think he'd compromise with me on something. Oh well.
The longer you don't do something the more you don't have the desire to do it. I've been out of work for so long and even though I say I want a job... I don't want to work. I've been in the house all week with the boys because of this heat. Now the thought of going anywhere with the two of them does not get me excited at all. I'd rather just continue staying in the house. None of this can be good. I need to stop being lazy but I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I feel like my relationship and the things I have going on contribute to what I'm feeling all the time and it's nothing positive at the moment. I know I need to change these things and make them positives but I feel like I have everything working against me. I read all of these "mommy blogs" and they are so inspirational and uplifting and they make me want to do great things and be a better me.... Then I look at what I have to work with and I get pulled right back down again. They have great support systems from their spouse/significant other, family,friends, etc. They seem to have it all together...so what's wrong with me?
What can I do to change all of this?!

Therefore I dedicate myself to myself.

Good morning! I'm getting my writing in early while both boys are asleep. This week is going to be really hot so I am brainstorming some indoor activities for me and Aiden. I want to avoid going out as much as possible, especially with Brody. Now that Brody is here I plan on resuming my crafts. I've been looking for some local craft fairs coming up and plan on attending a couple hopefully. (if you know of any... let me know!)
Steve has been working two jobs lately so I can stay home with the boys. I have mixed feelings about this for so many reasons. I want to get a job and be able to contribute to the house and my family. I also know that getting a job would mean I have to put the boys in daycare (which I DO NOT want to do) and even with a job, my pay would probably just cover daycare. I know it makes more sense for us to keep doing what we are doing but I feel like I can be doing so much more (even though being a stay at home mom is A LOT of work in itself). I'll figure it all out before the summer is over.
For quite some time I have been keeping myself at a distance from people and having a hard time trusting people. This has resulted in me having NO close friends. It gets a bit discouraging at times not having a close friend to go out with or to confide in. In the past anytime I got really close to someone or felt close enough to confide in them it always backfires and they turned out to be crazy or just not a trustworthy person (among other things). I didn't think having friends was so difficult. Now that I'm getting older I really want friends. I want to be able to trust again and be around mature people who are drama free and not...well... crazy. My kids are my MAIN priority and meeting other lady friends who have the same outlook that I do would be great. One of my goals for this year is to make more friends and not push people away. I'm going to be more open minded and outgoing and hope that this time it will not backfire on me. Maybe now that I'm older and able to use better judgement I can do this.
Well I'm off to plan some fun things for me and my boys. <3 Until next time...

Stephanie

You shouldn't try to stop everything from happening

I've been really craving a change of scenery or just a change in general. I know what this town has to offer and it's not impressive. There are so many things I want to experience and I want my children to experience and I don't think we are capable of those things here. There's a big world out there and sadly I'm 27 and have yet to experience a lot of it. So many people are content where they are or simply don't have the desire to do something different but that was never me. I've always wanted something better. It is even more important for me now that I have kids. I know it would be a lot better if I had some sort of support or people who wanted to achieve this with me.

I can't wait to be all healed from my surgery so I can start exercising and get back in shape. I have a lot of goals I am setting for myself for the rest of this year. I'm pretty sure I can stick with them.

" Your current thoughts are creating your future life. What you think about the most or focus the most will appear as your life. "

It is no way to live, to wait to love

Where do I begin. Well I had a miscarriage before Mother's Day which sucked a lot but it was just God's way of telling me I'm just not quite ready for another little one. I'm better now but nervous to try again. idk ive been missing a lot of things lately and it sucks.

i miss living on Silver Lake
i miss going out in the boat and fishing
i miss taking trails in the woods to get to my best friends house
i miss pretending those woods were another world
i miss visiting new towns and people
i miss driving and not knowing where I was going
i miss first dates and new loves
i miss having crushes and butterflies
i miss late nights on the couch, cuddling and watching a movie
i miss love letters
i miss sleepovers
i miss when money wasnt important and i didnt have bills (not expensive ones anyway)
i miss late night phone calls
i miss getting to know someone
i miss best friends you can trust
i miss when girls didnt have ulterior motives and were genuine
i miss driving on back country roads instead of the highway
i miss my old Victorian house
i miss going to shows with my little brother
i miss working at the hospital and nursing homes
i miss my great grandmother Irene and her best friend Evelyn
i miss growing up and doing everything with Jessica, Jillian and Julia
i miss my senior year of high school
i miss my the first boy I ever fell in love with
i miss who I was before I met him
i miss climbing trees and laying in the grass

i miss when no one knew me


The way we walk denotes we are constantly in pain.
This is my heartbeat, dragging its sleeves, pulling its grief like a chariot.
Its brushes with depth make it trite, galvanized, wheels heaving forward,
why go on, why go on? Unreasonable hope, jerking us forward.

i'm ready to leave this town and start over again. ALL OVER.

She was not quite what you would call unrefined

So let's see, things are still consistently good. I need a haircut soooo bad I think I might go tonight or tomorrow night. It's really difficult trying to find time to go with Aiden cause Steve is usually working late or has practice and can't watch him and he's not one to sit still through anything. I'll manage I guess and if worse comes to worse I'll cut it myself. ha.
I am like beyond excited for this weekend. Steve has a show on Sat. in RI and he is taking Paige's guy with him so Paige and I have the whole day to spend together and we are going to take the boys to the Central Park Zoo and to walk around NY. I'm excited for the following reasons- I have never been to a zoo, It's going to be the most gorgeous day to be out and about and I get to spend it with Aiden, my best and her baby bear too. Can't describe a better day.
I'm about 10 weeks pregnant this week. I've got suchhhh a long way to go. I'm in the transitioning phase where I go from looking fat to looking pregnant but its whatever I've got a bunch of cute clothes to hide it for now. I dont really think about it too much cause I know the more I think about it the more anxious I will be.
Steve and I went to Paige's for dinner last night and her and I were looking at wedding stuff and it was fun having someone other than Steve to talk to about my ideas and to hear her ideas. I value her opinion very much.
It's crazy how shes only been back for a few months and shes such an amazing friend. I've always thought nothing but good things about her but lately she just solidifies everything I thought in the first place.Its nice having someone like her around and I appreciate her a lot. I think everyone needs a friend like her. =)
My job is financial crap and they started laying some people off starting with the receptionist who took over that position when I got promoted. So now that she is gone I have to fill her spot and keep up with my administrative duties and I think I have worked the hardest this week than I have the 2 years that Ive been here. Its not bad cause it makes my days go faster but its stressful cause I have double the work load and I have to hope I can keep up with it or my job is next. blah.

Over the past weekend I went out and saw some friends that I am a little skeptical about. Its the kind of situation where you want to be friends with the person and you like being around the person but when you're not with them or around them you feel like they are up to no good or just totally fake to your face. It's really frustrating too and if I could write the details I totally would but I'll save it for another day. until then....

We never meant to do that, we never meant to do this, and we always meant what we said.

Tomorrow is the big day...I have my first doctors visit! I'm about 9 weeks now and my belly is super itchy and gets a tiny bit bigger everyday. I need to start taking pictures. People at work say that I've been glowing which is probably true since I forgot how much I liked being pregnant sometimes. =) Our Easter wasn't over the top eventful. Aiden got dressed up in his little 3 piece suit and we went to my parents house first and then left to get dessert at Steve's grandmother's. It was a nice day.
There honestly hasnt been too much going on. Paige is in MA now, shes been there for what feels like forever and I can't wait for her to get home. I really miss her. This weekend I get to see Jamie finally and we're going to take the babes out in the wonderful weather we are supposed to be having. I'm excited to see her. I'm supposed to be going to see Bayside and NFG sat. night but I'm not sure about what to do with Aiden yet so we will see. I wish I had more to blog about =( I'll probably have more to write after tomorrows appointment. I also get the whole day off tomorrow cause its passover and my company celebrates Jewish holidays along with the US Holiday's. Crazy.

more tomorrow.